How can I stop these feelings?
by WalkerLOATS
Summary: Sian's found out the truth about Ryan kissing Sophie, how does she feel about it all given Sophie's now kissed her and then followed her to Southport, what are her real reasons behind her actions?


_This is my first Sian and Sophie fanfiction, I hope you all like it! Please leave comments, I will be making my way through all the events that happen between them just slowly given some things I feel should of been done weren't, so I'll be writing them in also. Thank you for reading!_

It felt as if my world was ending, Sophie had kissed Ryan who she knew better than anybody else on this planet was my boyfriend and I loved him dearly, I still couldn't get my head around it as she screamed something about deserving one another, why had she said that? Why had she said he'd kissed her? If she was guilty surely she would of kept quiet, but she was the one that had told me, Ryan had never liked mine and Sophie's friendship so I'm sure he would of jumped at the opportunity.

I felt the sharp wind hit me as the door slammed, Sophie had left the building the whole neighbourhood now new that, I sighed and looked back at Ryan what was going on? I took a deep breath as we shared a few words before his mum came in, I needed to know who was telling the truth, the first thing that came to mind was what I said "Is it alright if Ryan comes SouthPort for the weekend?" I could of almost face-palmed from how stupid I was, why the hell did I want him staying with me when it was possible he'd kissed my best friend.

"Right, well I'll go get my bags from my dad's. See, it'll be great, just me and you and no stupid cow causing us any trouble." I said as I kissed him and walked out of the house, I couldn't help but glance at Sophie's house as I made my way to my dads as I remembered all the times she'd been there for me and all the times I'd been there for her, she was my best friend and I was certain Ryan was the one lying, but I loved him I had to stand by him, maybe he would tell me the truth, maybe Sophie was in the wrong she was just upset because she was regretting it.

I gave a sigh as I saw Ryan again he was waiting outside his house for me, lucky I hadn't been long really it was pretty cold out here at the moment, I walked with him to the bus stop and listened to him talk about something, not that I knew what it was my mind was moving a thousand miles an hour as I tried to sort out my feelings, I didn't even know what was going on in my head any more. "We can get the tram down." I mumbled trying to change the subject. "There's a tram down the pier?" He asked, I just rolled my eyes and replied "Yeah, it's well long. You better show Sophie these pictures an' all. Just show someone in school when she's there, because I promised me and her would do this together." I said, there it was again Sophie I'd mentioned her, I'd fallen out with friends before, but this was different, I didn't care what happened to me and Ryan, I just wanted Sophie back. Ryan bought me back from my thoughts "Will you stop going on about Sophie? It's doing my head in." I replied sharply, his tone of voice annoying me "Alright!" We were silent for a moment or two before I heard his phone "Oh, I bet that's her again. Well, sorry, but I bet it is! Did she text you while I was at my dad's?" Ryan seemed to answer instantly which made me even more suspecious "No." I saw him pull out his phone with an intrested look " 'Love you Ryan, dump her Ryan.' Don't read it!" I took the phone from his grasp sharply, I bet it was that cow from school who liked him. "I'm switching it off! It won't even be her. She never texts me." I glanced at the screen that clearly stated the text was from Sophie, what the hell was going on? I opened It as I spoke "Oh, it is her. Oh, "You're a liar and I hate you." Yeah, right."

I turned my head to look at Ryan as he snatched the phone back, "Delete her. Go on, I'll do it." He said as I thought what the hell was going on? Sophie was a Christian and I knew my best friend, she wouldn't lie without a damn good reason too, plus she was capable of hate unless pushed to far, she didn't even hate Ben after everything. While I was thinking everything over I said "I thought she'd text something a bit more flirty. She's messing with your head!" to which Ryan answered instantly again, just feeding my suspicion "Exactly!"

I decided I would voice my thoughts and see his reaction, my eyes stayed fixed on his face, wondering if I'd be able to read him "Yeah, but it's weird though. Well I suppose she must have just thought that I'd be here and that I'd see it." He looked away from me as he spoke "Yeah, that's what it is! She's trying to make out I'm the liar." Everything was clicking in my head, this seemed all wrong, everything about it was wrong "Yeah, but she would've thought I'd be in Southport by now." I mumbled yet again. "So, I'm going with you, aren't I?" alarm bells were ringing now, Sophie had been telling the truth, which means Ryan my so called boyfriend had not only lied but also cheated on me, with my best mate. "Well, she doesn't know that, does she? So then why would she text you saying you're a liar, if you're gonna be the only one that sees it?" I said, my voice getting louder, I could tell from Ryan's expression he knew I'd worked it out and snapped back at me "I don't know, do I? She's a psycho! Here's the bus. Come on." I watched him stand and move forward, he was trying to run from this argument, if he knew me half as well as I thought he did he would know I'd not drop this, just showed he was the liar "Yeah, but she's not though, is she? Sophie's not a psycho, is she, Ryan?" I said as I stood and pushed him away from me "Get away from Ryan!" I shouted as I started storming towards Sophie's I couldn't go to Southport with all of this, I needed my best friend back if she'd even talk to me that was.

Ryan was chasing me down the street, but right now I couldn't care less. All the feelings I had for him where gone in an instant, nobody messes with my best friend, I knew Sophie would most likely be crying, and it was all mine and his fault. "You've got it all wrong! Sian!" He shouted, he was still trying to worm his way out of it, I spun and looked at him "Was it you that made the move on her?" I asked as I crossed my arms over my chest "No, it wasn't like that." I had enough of this "Tell me the truth, Ryan! Did you try and cop off with Sophie?" I shouted as I got right in his face as I waited for his reply. He seemed to panic before he spoke "Things were- We were arguing, weren't we? It was a mistake. Nothing happened, I swear! Sian. Look, you know it's you I want to be with."

I thumped Ryan as hard as I could at that moment, right in the chest, I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears, not over Ryan but over believing him and not my best friend, I turned and started walking quicker towards Sophie's almost running, nothing else mattered "I don't want to see you again. Ever! 'Cause I believed you!" I shouted as I ran the rest of the distance to Sophie's I knocked on the door and saw Rosie "Can I see her please?" I said as Rosie shook her head "I doubt she'll want to see you, she's upset over something." I rolled my eyes, I could really slap Rosie sometimes. "I know she is, which is why I am here, now please?" I asked indicating to let me in, she seemed to think a moment or two before stepping aside.

I wasted no time, dumping my bag and sprinting upstairs, I walked to Sophie's room and paused taking a few deep breaths as I thought about what to say, I could hear her listening to music in the background, that would be my fall back in case I lost the words I wanted to say, I swallowed and pushed the door open, making it creak. I saw Sophie laying on her front and I could hear her crying as she said "Get lost, Rosie." I couldn't help my sniffle "Soph..." I whispered, tears still running down my cheeks as I closed the door behind me and she stood up "I just dumped Ryan." I whispered and I was thankful that she pulled me into a tight hug, it's all I wanted right now.

When she pulled back she asked the typical caring Sophie question "Hey, you ok?" I put a hand over my mouth as more tears escaped, she'd forgiven me already by the looks of it "Look at you, you're so sweet. You're meant to be angry with me. I know he came on to you." I said, only to flinch slightly when she said back in a sharper tone than normal "Yeah, I told you that." I nodded and sniffled again, wiping my eyes again. "And I'm sorry, I really am. I just- I just needed to come and see you before I went back to my dad's, just to say sorry and stuff." Sophie looked confused as she asked "I thought you were going to Southport?" I put my hands in my back pockets and took a deep breath "Yeah, well I missed my train, kicking off with Ryan." It went silent as I looked at my shoe's I could feel Sophie's eyes on me "You know I'd never, ever, try and steal him off you, you know?" Her voice had softened completely, I nodded my head and gave a slight smile "I know." She seemed to counter straight away, like she really didn't want to lose me as a friend "Never. Even if I liked him, which I don't!"

"Yeah, well me neither after this. Will you come to Southport? Just next weekend or something, 'cause we've already said we'll go to the pier. We'll get chips and stuff, and see who's the first one to get got on by gull poo." I asked, I knew I'd just said a lot but Sophie's look said she didn't really want to, I didn't blame her but I couldn't take losing them both in one day, all because of some stupid lying guy. "So you believe me then?" She replied simply, I felt even worse why was she being so understanding? I deserved her shouting at me, but instead she was comforting me. "Yeah, I was so stupid. I just couldn't believe that he'd lie to my face. I'm sorry, Soph. I've been in bits since we fell out." I whispered parts as I pulled her into a tight hug, my arms around her neck, I heard her hiss, before she said "Ow!" simply and quietly, I pulled back with a concerned look "What?" I asked as I looked her up and down trying to work out what hurt, my eyes looked back into her face as she slowly turned around, showing a bright red patch of skin where the Henna we got together was "Sophie!" I didn't know what hurt more that she'd hurt herself to get it off, or she'd gotten rid of it in the first place "Sorry, but I had to get it gone." She said as she pushed some hair behind her ear, tears were flowing down my cheeks again, emotions were running high as I spoke my voice showed how upset I was "Right, you are more important to me than any lad. Do you hear me?"

I watched as she slowly moved closer to me, I moved away just slightly but that action confused me more than Sophie leaning in, it felt right her leaning closer while moving away felt wrong. I leant back forward slightly as her lips touched my own in a small, soft, tender kiss, my eyes had flicked down to watch her lips move closer. I looked into her lips as she moved in again, pressing her lips to mine in a longer kiss, which I returned. Before I pulled back and pressed my hand to my face "I've- I've got to go." I said as I rushed out of her bedroom, I heard the faint call off "No, Sian. Wait!" But right now I needed out, I grabbed my back and legged it hearing Rosie shout after me "Sian, are you okay?" Right now I didn't care, things were hard what the hell was going on?

I quickly made my way to my dads, he saw I was upset and knew better than to argue with me being back, I made my way quickly up to my bedroom and curled on my bed crying, I was woken by my phone ringing, it was Sophie "Are you at your dad's?" I nodded my head and felt stupid knowing she couldn't see me. "Yeah I am." She sounded worried, I didn't understand why "Right then, well I'll come there!" I sat bolt upright in bed and shook my head "No Sophie." I could hear her getting even more emotional "I just need to see you." I was going to reply, when I heard Ryan what the hell was he doing with her? And why did I feel jealous? "Who you messing things up for now?" I clenched my jaw, how dare he speak to her like that -Was that Ryan? Why are you with Ryan?- Was what I wanted to say but I stopped myself and answered with "You have school Sophie, it's important." She seemed adamant to see me. "I don't care about school, Sian. I need to see you. Well, I'll come 'round after school then." Sophie would never just skip school but she wanted to, to see me? Was she regretting it or was it because she enjoyed it like I had? No I couldn't think like that!

"As long as you go to school you can come round after" I said in a tone of voice that showed I wasn't discussing it, she had to go to school "Right, well great, because I need to see you and, well, we need to talk about things. Right, bye." I hung up the phone and pressed it to my forehead, taking a deep breath, why was my heart racing? Was it at the aspect of seeing her? Oh this was stupid, I'd not thought about her like that before she kissed me, so why now?

Sophie arranged to come here after school, after thinking it over for a while I decided I couldn't see her, not now, she'd put all these thoughts in my head and I couldn't take it. I needed to get away and fast, the sooner I got away the sooner I'd stop feeling these things, I jumped on the first ride I could and went up to Southport, away from these thoughts, away from my cheating ex and away from my best friend, I needed space.

It wasn't long before Ryan phoned me, trying to sort everything out. I explained to him I wasn't interested he'd done the worst thing he possibly could, cheat on me with my best friend and then lie about it, I hated cheaters and liars he knew that all to well, so when he said he wanted to see me, I was only to happy to say I was in Southport, I regretted it as soon as I'd said it I knew he would tell Sophie and she'd be upset, which upset me. No, I couldn't think like this, I came to Southport to get rid of these feelings.

I cuddled up onto the sofa watching a film with my Mum, the whole time thinking about Sophie. Ryan didn't even cross my mind which was strange given this time yesterday I thought I loved him, maybe my Dad had been right, it was just a crush one that didn't matter and wouldn't last. I wondered how long into Ryan confronted her, my answer came a few minutes later when my phone rung, I didn't even have to look I knew it was Sophie "Hi." I said in a deadpan voice "Sian, where are you, Ryan said you went to Southport!" She sounded so hurt, what the hell had Ryan said? No, calm down Sian stop getting angry and jealous, this isn't you. "Yeah I have, problem?" I asked, I knew my words were harsh but they needed to be. "Yeah, but why go to Southport when I'd arranged to come 'round tonight?" Oh this wasn't helping, I hung up on her and turned my phone off, this was stupid now I needed time alone.

**I felt the world shaking and opened my eyes quickly, only to see Mum looking down at me I took a deep breath to steady my breathing, I'd been enjoying my dream even though it was about the one thing I was trying to forget, Sophie. I blinked a few times and sat up on the sofa with a small yawn, my Mum was putting things into her bag "I'm just popping to the shops for a few things, I need some new shoes, you going to be okay here on your own?" She asked I just rolled my eyes "Mum I'm 16, not 6 I'm capable of being on my own for a few hours."She just looked at me and smiled "My little girl is all grown up." I rolled my eyes again and walked into the kitchen grabbing a glass of juice as she left the house, I pushed myself up and sat on the counter looking out the window and watching the world pass me by.**

**I saw Sophie, I blinked a few times and jumped down moving to the window to watch her push the gate of my front garden open, she was here it was really here, my heart fluttered. No, I couldn't do this I had to be harsh stop these feelings now, before they got worse. I walked to the front door as I heard her knock, pulling it open I lent on it and the wall, so I was blocking the way into the house with my own body "**What're you doing here?" I eventually asked, she just looked at me with a hurt expression "Well, what are you? I thought you were at your dad's?" She countered, damn she's making this harder than I hoped. "Yeah, well I was, but I changed my mind." _That's it Sian, keep up the hard look, don't let her see how much she is getting to you._ "Without telling me?" _Oh god I just want to hug her, I want to stop her hurting and being sad, fight it Sian, fight it! "_Well I didn't want to speak to you, did I?" _Oh god, this is coming out a lot harsher than I wanted it to, I don't want to hurt her, but by the looks of it I am. "_Why not?"

"Wh-" I thought about it for a moment or two, before I replied "Isn't it obvious why? Look, you can come in for 10 minutes, OK?" I saw her nod but I continued anyway "But on one condition; don't touch me." I saw her face drop completely and I'm sure her heart had done as well. "See, why did you have to go and say something like that?" She said her voice full of emotion _good one Sian. _"Well, do you want to come in, or not?" I replied, stepping aside to let her in making sure to keep my distance from her and make that visable.

I closed the door and walked past her into the kitchen, moving myself into the corner in the hopes to feel calmer, it was safe to say it didn't help. Being in the same room with her, alone in the same house was making me feel weird, I was getting frustrated but I didn't know or understand why, I'd never felt like this before not even when me and Sophie had been alone before. _Snap out of it Sian for god sake! This is stupid she is your best friend! Or is she? _

I took a deep breath and crossed my arms over my chest before speaking "My mum's out, but she'll be back really, really soon." I knew she wouldn't but I had to say something, Sophie didn't seem like she'd say anything any time soon. "So?" I'm starting to think this was a mistake letting her in. "Well, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?" I asked, being sure to keep my voice soft but with a sharp edge, telling her that I could go either way temper wise. "Why are you being like this?" Yeah she got my hints and obviously didn't like it. "Like what?" I said coldly with a deadpan expression. "Like I've done something really terrible to you." _It was the best kiss of my life, how could that be terrible?_ _Don't say that, be strong Sian! _

"Sophie, you kissed me!" I said tightening my arms around my chest as she stood before me, looking extremely uncomfortable "Yeah, so?" I replied without even thinking, I was on a thin line as it was given everything that had happened and she'd just pushed me. " 'So'? So, no! So that's so not on! You might be like that, but I'm not." I said sharply, she just looked at me confused "Like what?" "Like..." I replied quickly before trying to calm myself down. "You know what I mean. Like a lesbian, Sophie! You might be one, but I'm not." I said in a softer voice, I didn't want her thinking we were no longer friends because of her sexuality, it was because she kissed me is all. "I don't know what I am." _Hello mindfuck, if you don't know why kiss me and mess with my head?_ "Yeah, well, maybe when you find out you could let me know. Only next time you want to do some experimenting, can you do it on somebody else please?"

Sophie's whole posture changed, she was hiding how she felt how she was being defensive "I wasn't experimenting, Sian. I thought we were friends!" I thought for a second before saying the first thing in my head "Yeah, well we were. But that's 'were' as in 'not anymore'." _So that's single AND a loner, good one Sian. "_You know I didn't do it deliberately. You know it just happened." I gave a shrug and looked out the window briefly showing I wasn't interested "Yeah, and I don't want it happening again." Sophie stepped closer to me to get my attention "You didn't push me off you!" She was right, I didn't. I did enjoy the kiss, but I couldn't give in now. "Well I was just shocked. I was thinking, 'is this some sort of joke?' " I looked at her as her whole body and facial expression changed and softened. "Well no, Sian. No, it's not." _Sophie had feelings for me, her words, her eyes the way she looks at me, it's obvious now. How long had she felt like this? _"Well I know that now. That's why you and me, well, there's no you and me any more. We're not friends, and we're nothing else either! Anyway, my mum will be back soon, so, is that it?" I said as she turned and left the house in the same fashion I'd left her room the day before, crying and moving as quickly as she could.

"Sian what have you done?" I asked myself as I watched her outside the window, I felt hot streams on my cheek and frowned, I was crying? Was I really hurting this bad? I shook my head, I needed to forget it Sophie would get over it just like I would, it just took time but it surely would be easier with us no longer in contact? I sure as hell hoped so, my heart felt like it was breaking every single second and it hurt to breath, I didn't even care I'd split with Ryan all I cared about was Sophie. What was I going to do?


End file.
